🌐Schwartz’s Five Stages of Internet Grief

Coping With Internet Loss

With apologies to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

AT&T budgets over $3 billion on advertising annually and is typically one of the top 10 global brand media spenders. A side effect of watching the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament was the barrage of AT&T “Connecting Changes Everything™” commercials. I want to be in one of those. Not because I have any acting aspirations, but because I want to live the wonderful, happy life the characters portray. Indeed, life is good when our internet works, and many things, maybe not everything, change for the worse when it isn’t.

Optimism

Here is a seemingly innocent text I received from AT&T:

“Hi, it's AT&T. Your internet equipment needs to be replaced to avoid possible service issues. Go to https://my.att.com/t/qafPdabQ10Nvxx to get a new Wi-Fi gateway at no cost to you.”

The ordering process was smooth and easy. I received the modem the next day and waited to install it on Saturday night, while my wife was out to dinner with some friends. I was watching the 2nd half of a first-round early-evening NBA playoff game, and I planned to install it after the game in time to watch the first half of the later game. After all, the accompanying instructions were idiot-proof, and there weren’t many steps. How hard could it be?

Self-Doubt

I painstakingly followed the instructions, and it took 15 to 20 minutes for the process to fail. When this happens, my first thought is, “Obviously, I must have done something wrong.” So, I re-checked the cables, and for good measure, made two more attempts at the installation summit, only to experience the same result. (Why does the process take 2 minutes when it works, but 10 times longer when it tanks, giving you pseudo-encouraging messages as it progresses through the steps?) I reviewed the documentation and found a QR code directing me to a useless instructional video that walked me through the same steps as the app, but for bigger idiots.

Resignation

At this point, I faced the dreaded dilemma—should I plunge into the 800# support abyss on a Saturday night or wait for the morning? Eager to please my wife as a conquering modem installer hero upon her return home, I was motivated. I called, and a recorded message told me to call back during regular business hours.

I figured I’d just reinstall the old modem. Imagine my disappointment after three failures with the old modem. I contemplated proactively contacting a divorce lawyer to deal with the fallout. Lacking internet access, my plans to watch the later NBA game were crushed.

It was past my 9:30 PM bedtime, and I felt deflated and exhausted from my defeat. As I drifted off to sleep, I realized Easter Sunday isn’t a great day to expect call centers to be open. Even the Costco rotisserie chickens get the day off on Easter Sunday! Not quite as daunting as an episode of the reality TV show Naked and Afraid, we managed our lives with our phones and hotspots and somehow survived the day without the internet.

Anger

First thing Monday, I called AT&T support and made a new friend in El Salvador. She walked me through the same steps (attempt # 4 or #5, but #7 or #8 if you count my tries with the OLD modem) to ensure I wasn’t an idiot. We tried the unplug/replug trick (again). When that failed, she arranged for a technician to come to my house that day, in the tight window of 12:00 PM to 4:00 PM. (Why does AT&T still use 1980s methods to estimate and optimize dispatch times?) It was comforting to know I could do anything I wanted during these 4 hours, as long as I didn’t leave the house, didn’t need the internet, and didn’t start a task in which I wouldn’t mind being interrupted with no advanced notice. That only left time for an abbreviated nap.

At 3:45 PM, with 15 minutes to spare, I heard from an AT&T supervisor. A technician was en route. He showed up at 3:59 PM and walked through the same steps I had already completed with my friend in El Salvador. And that’s when he told me that this modem would NEVER work because I had copper wiring, as he extolled the virtues of fiber. Like a parched runner at the end of a marathon teased with an ice-cold Gatorade, my reaction was, “How soon can I get it?” He contacted the real technician, who could upgrade our wiring to fiber.

He planned to install the new modem in our garage and replace our existing gateway. If I hadn’t questioned him, the “default” installation would have left us with a Wi-Fi-only connection. Streaming services work best with a wired connection. He explained that he couldn’t do any rewiring because this service call was technically a “repair” and not an “installation.” (Isn’t it great when company policies inconvenience the customer?). I pleaded with him, and he finally relented and made the existing inbound cable functional.

Homeostatis

So, 48 hours later, after wasting approximately 4 to 6 hours of my time, our access to the world was restored. It was a completely avoidable situation that could have been a seamless and painless experience if AT&T had been competent. I doubt I was the only customer assigned this Sisyphean task.

Rather than “Connecting Changes Everything™”, may I suggest “Incompetence Changes Everything™”?