If You Say, "I Don't Want to Be a Burden," You Probably Are One
My parents, my mother’s parents, my two older brothers, and my aunt and uncle were sitting on our back deck eating dinner on a beautiful Father's Day in Westbury, NY, at my childhood home. I was in my early twenties, and while I don’t remember the context, I do remember my grandmother saying, “If I become a burden, I’ll shoot myself.”
My mom’s reply was, “Don’t go anywhere - I’ll get you a gun.” This was a compelling argument for gun safety advocates in support of background checks and a waiting period.
Although I did get ¼ of my DNA from my grandmother, she was cantankerous and irritable. She was even more argumentative when she was drunk. The combination of alcoholism, a stunning lack of self-awareness, and undiagnosed DSM-III personality disorders was always lurking. During one conversation with her, I remember saying, “Grandma - I agree with you - why are you still arguing with me?” Despite our begging her to refrain from smoking in our house, she insisted on “sneaking” smokes in our bathroom, gaslighting us and saying “you can’t even notice it,” despite the physical evidence of a cigarette butt left in the toilet. She stopped flying before all the airlines banned smoking, but if she had continued, she certainly would have been one of those people who got arrested for disabling the bathroom smoke detectors.
Perhaps her greatest gift to the family folklore is the one time when she and my grandfather spent the night at my parents’ house. She woke up in the middle of the night (drunk, I am sure) and confused the luggage stand in her room for a toilet. She sat down on this luggage stand, urinated on the carpet, and sprinkled cigarette ashes on top to make the job of cleaning it just a little more challenging for the professionals my mom called the next day.
Where was my grandfather in all this? As the other half of this co-dependent, dysfunctional duo, he was also an alcoholic. Before drunk driving became unfashionable, we coined the expression, “Arriving at Destination Under the Influence,” or ADUI, and often found it fascinating that he made it to family functions with his vehicle intact and without being arrested. We envisioned him as a real-life Mr. Magoo, leaving a wake of destruction in his path.
His last drive, before my mom and uncle took his keys away because he had to ask the guard at his community gate for directions to his own home, was to the liquor store. My aunt and uncle paid for my trip to attend my younger cousin's college graduation to chaperone my grandparents and keep them out of trouble. My grandparents required 24/7 care for the last few years of their lives, and both lived into their late 80s despite having the antithesis of a healthy lifestyle.
Bur·den /ˈbərd(ə)n/ noun 1. a load, typically a heavy one. 2. My grandparents
A friend of mine shared a story about his mother-in-law, who wasn’t feeling well and stopped eating and drinking fluids. She climbed into bed, and after three days, got so weak that she couldn’t get herself off the toilet. She called 9-1-1 at 3 AM and had to be taken to the hospital, which, of course, was the time when my friend and his wife were alerted. When they asked her why she didn't call them on the first day she wasn’t feeling well, she said, “I didn't want to be a burden." This is the same woman who calls her daughter, knowing she is a teacher and unavailable during the day, to ask her if she should buy some Cashew Bark on sale at Costco.
My wife and I have many friends who are dealing with elderly parents. Both sets of our parents have passed away, and while we miss them, we are grateful we don’t have to care for them. It’s sad not to have them around, and at the same time, incredibly liberating to be free of the responsibility of caring for them.
Getting back to my mom. One thing she did well in her later years was not to follow her mother’s example. The year before she passed away, she had a stroke and was in the ICU. During a phone conversation to check in on her, she insisted that she was fine and that I not fly down to Florida to visit. A friend grabbed the phone and said, “Get on a plane—now.”
When it came time for her to move to an independent living facility from her home, she made all the arrangements. She had a chronic liver disease, and knew it would slow her down, and she took action while she could. My mom had many flaws, but she also had many strengths, and taking charge of her end of life was one of them. She even coordinated home hospice at the very end of her life, which I see as a heroic act. This is something I hope to emulate, as she is one of the few people I know who said, "I Don't Want to Be a Burden," and lived it.
Curated questions for you to consider:
Do you have people in your life who say things that indicate they have a complete lack of self-awareness?
Have you had older relatives who lived in such a way that inspires you not to be like them?